Because I need to work this trauma out somehow: Transformers 3

I swear I didn't want to post about this. Other, funnier, smarter, and more insightful people have discussed this elsewhere. For example, Topless Robot put up a fairly comprehensive FAQ of the movie that covers the essentials. You can probably get a good feel for the movie there, with one exception.

TR is considerably more positive about the movie than I am.

See, Transformers 3 is proof of something. Whether it's that Michael Bay is a sociopath for thinking that how Sam was acting was at all appropriate, or that Bay does not actually know how to tell a story through the medium of film, or that he heard all the concerns other people had with the other two movies and decided that all the complainers should see what it would look like if Bay shot it how he thought others would.

Basically, I'm fairly certain it exists in a very similar way to Sucker Punch, Zac Snyder's high school notebook doodles turned boring action set pieces. And as bad as Sucker Punch is, Transformers is worse.

The "hero" complains constantly about not having a job. I can empathize with that! However, here are a few caveats. I don't have any giant robot friends. I didn't get a full ride scholarship at the Ivy League courtesy Of the US Government. I also do not currently live with my supermodel-like girlfriend in Washington DC for absolutely nothing. So despite all his good fortunes and current status, which 9/10 college graduates would gladly enjoy, he spends the full first hour complaining that he doesn't matter anymore and he really, really wants to.

Also, that's not an exaggeration. There are some non-sensical action scenes in the very beginning (sand worm in Russia the fuck) but most of the entire cforst half is spent focusng on Sam and his "problems". There's this thing in movies, see. It's called pacing. And when properly paced, the audience will have time to relax between big action scenes thanks to natural lulls in the action. Alternatively, there are mOvies like Crank where the action starts and then does not stop, but it's ok because the movie's only an hour long.

Basically what I'm saying is that YOU DO NOT BLOW UP FUCKING CHICAGO FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WITH SOME OF THE STUPIDEST SETPOEVES ICE EVER SEEN AND CALL THAT GOOD

No. Bad Michael Bay. Do not pass go. Do not collect the umpteen millions this will make.

God, I haven't even gotten into any serious complaints. This could become a way more indepth analysis.