I've linked worse for less

Right, watch this video. Then? Watch it again. Then? Send it to your friends. They've got it set up so that they get money for every view. And while nerds shouldn't dance, this is a pretty good cause, no?

Also, that song is still really terrible. Here, have a better version that's got a Minecraft bent.

Much better. So right, go now, help fight cancer!

Believe it or not, this isn't a copout

From Bash.org:

IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance" IronChef Foicite: but a potato! IronChef Foicite: potatos last for fucking ever, man IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol IronChef Foicite: but there's more! IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it! IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you" IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

On an unrelated note,  I'd like to throw my voice in with the multitudes who have been making sad noises over the loss of Steve Jobs. He has been perhaps the most influential mind in computing for most of his lifetime, and while he was probably a huge asshole, he was also one whose products have completely changed how we handle computing, media, information transfer, movies, what have you.

In this interview, Jobs said (Specifically regarding Apple's role in computing history):

I usually believe that if one group of people didn't do something, within a certain number of years the times would produce another group that would accomplish similar things.

And this is probably true! That said, Apple was the first to really make computer a viable option for home consumers. The first to widely adopt Mice and GUIs. The first to completely drop floppy disk support (and is leading the way in dropping CD support). The first to create an MP3 player that everyone could find and easily use. The first with an online music store. The first widely accepted Smartphone. The first true tablet computer. Quite frankly, they have defined and redefined what computing has done. And that's just Apple when it was under Jobs. Love Pixar? Thank Steve Jobs. Like the internet? The world wide web (which isn't the internet exactly, but it's the system we're using now) was developed on a NeXT computer. Like OS X or features like OS X? They all draw from NeXT, the company that Jobs oversaw in his decade long exile from Apple.

Honestly, I wouldn't be typing this all out, because everyone is typing something like this out. But I think that if there was one person I wanted to meet that was currently living, it would have been Jobs. I may not have been able to say much, but I would have liked to have let him know just how much his products and design philosophy have affected my life. I'm fairly certain he knew, but still.

The world has lost one of its greatest minds of the last generation. There's not much more to say than that.

Desert Island 10: Maple Story

Let's say I wind up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean somewhere. Say some all powerful imp did this to me. And he let me keep ten games for the rest of my miserable life. These are those ten games.

Maple Story - Wizet, Nexon 2003 - Current


The Basics


It's a Korean MMO. I mean, I really don't want to say a whole lot about it. There isn't a whole lot to say about it. After choosing a server, you're presented with a 2D world that you traverse from left to right, and a bunch of enemy monsters that take a certain amount of hits to kill. You level up, and along the way you pick up new equipment, money, and eventually move into stereotypical MMO jobs such as a Thief, a Mage, a Useless Body Builder, a Cleric, whatever. These jobs have later evolutions which further specialize you.


I mean, it's an MMO. At a certain point, they all play roughly the same way. Create a character, choose a class, disseminate points you earn, kick a lot of monster ass. Same old, same old.


Why It's Here


God help me I like it.


Well, maybe like is too strong a word. Maybe hate the least is closer to the truth. Whatever the reason, I find myself inexorably drawn back to it every now and then for absolutely no discernable reason.


If I had to guess though, the reason I keep returning to this infernal game isn't because the game itself is good. In fact, it's pretty far from good. While the progression is actual a load of fun and you always feel more powerful with each level up, the point is moot because the difference between different genuses of monsters in regards to their HP and Defence are levels of magnitude. You will be killing the same snails and mushroom spores you start on for at least your first five levels, and while the EXP required to get to the next level seems to go up exponentially, the EXP you're actually getting from every kill stays the same.


What it all comes down to is that while it's fun enough to actually play, in that you don't really come across 2D MMOs terribly often, there isn't a whole hell of a lot to recommend it. The art style isn't terrible, but it's not really fantastic either. The userbase is terrible in that early internet use way where everyone has a "xGokUx_399" username (though that's changed since the early days, now it's all Naruto in place of Dragonball). The leveling system is ridiculously unbalanced and takes forever. The world design, because it's composed of 2D interconnected scenes, tends to get confusing whenever there are three exits on a map, which happens far too often to be really good. The economy is also pretty much shit, where buying a single HP potion will take something like 25 of the lowest enemy type, if you're lucky. MP pots are twice that, and that's not even getting to the higher level potions. Or equipment. Or consumable items that some classes need to actually function effectively.


So with all those reasons to hate it, I guess I should actually give some justification as to why I'm including it. I mean, this is a pretty shitty game. Even for MMOs, which aren't exactly good in the first place. But yeah. I guess I don't really have a good reason why it's here.


I mean, the primary one is that I've never managed to bring a character up to the third tier. I've always been curious as to what's up there, what the end game is actually like. And while the art style is pretty balls, it's also not the worst. And the equipment design is actually pretty interesting sometimes, in that anime sort of way. So it's not particularly good, but it's never exactly boring.


Additionally, there's just something about it that I can't really deny. I started playing this back in high school, as a way of spending time with a close friend. It actually worked on a 56k modem, even if it took forever to download, patch, and connect. That lasted for a few months, at which point I promptly uninstalled and left it for dead. At least, until Senior year of high school, when I actually picked it up again because I was curious about it. I played for a few months, set it down, and left it for dead again. The cycle repeated again in college a couple times.


I don't know! Maybe it's because of the userbase that I keep going back to it. I mean, as terrible as "xXx_sasuke36_xXx" is, there's something primal there. It reminds me of the early days of the internet, when I first started actively browsing. Of the early days, back when Excite.com was the premier web e-mail service, back when MSN Messenger was a new and mysterious technology. It's not good, but it's nostalgic. It's comforting.


Doesn't make the game any better. Maybe it's just because I'm a masochist and I don't want myself to have good things.

Back to work!

Hey, I've got a job! And I may have beaten whatever bout of depression I've gone through. Before I start the words flowing again, though, I should give folks a bit of joy in there.

Best quest? Y/Y

In the name of baseball, amen

So I should probably hate Shoeless Joe.

I mean, really. I don't have much reason to like it. The language is, at least at first blush, really needlessly florid. Every sentence has a simile or a metaphor or an adjective, and it gets ridiculous. I don't know who talked to one Mr. Kinsella, but they forgot to tell him that not everything needs extra detailing. This florid language honestly tripped me up more than I really like to admit, so it was a pain getting in to the book in the first place.

And then you get to the subject matter, which really stopped me full on for most of the book. I mean, it's about baseball.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike baseball, per se, so much as I think it's the most boring and ridiculous sport that is actively played. And I say that knowing full well that some people take Quidditch seriously.

I mean, I just don't see the appeal. You put a bunch of people in a field, some guy throws a ball, some other guy hits it, and then the guy that hit it runs in a circle and the other guys throw a tiny white sphere around. At least hockey has brutal checks, football has pileups, and tennis and soccer are both way more kinetic. So, of all sports, baseball is the one that I absolutely have no attachment to. So I was happy enough to read through the book, and near around page 150 I was just slogging through to say that I've read it.

It doesn't help that it's pretty much the exact same as movie it inspired.

But then I hit page 150, and the book veered wildly, both from the movie and from my previous expectations of the book.

At that point, the book becomes something transcendant, something that isn't about baseball. Sure, it's based on and uses the lexicon and syntax of baseball. I've no idea what an ERA is besides a period of geologic time, but it's mentioned. I don't know exactly how good a .300 batting average is, and I don't care. The book knows, but it doesn't care. Baseball isn't the point anymore.

The point is finding something to love more than life. The point is finding something that drives you and a group of like minded individuals. The point is religion, but without that pesky God shit behind everything.  The point is being a fan, regardless of what happens when and to whomever it happens to. And that ultimately everything can be transcendant enough to become that way.

I don't understand the first thing about baseball. But I understand fandom to the point of obsession.

And at that point, the book had me, completely. I could, and did, forgive it for it's purple prose, because it needs its prose for something more. I could tolerate its baseball speak, because Kinsella is just using baseball as a relatively simple metaphor for a greater understanding of something uniquely huge and human. And I could based entirely on the strength of its convictions. Of its absolute acceptance of nostalgia and shared understanding and a religious fervor shared by all fans of a certain level of obsession of everything, from Jesus to Gundam to baseball to politics to Midwestern tourist traps.

When I was planning on writing this post (which was supposed to happen tomorrow), I was going to start off with "I hate Shoeless Joe" because that's how I was feeling at the time.

Then it had the gall to actually hit me right in the understanding. Right in the understanding! What a dick move! But it did it, and I think I actually have to say that I love Shoeless Joe. What a difference 100 pages can make.

That said, I'd really rather they had just left the author as a reference to J.D. Salinger rather than actually using J.D. Salinger. That bothers me, for whatever reason. Maybe because I really, really love the idea of Darth Vader talking about "Peace, love, and dope, man."

So is this more or less sad...

...than the people who cheered for the guy who killed a lot of people while in office?

Yeah.

In other, not quite as sad news....

It approaches.

9/11: A Decade Later

(Photo found here.)

So yeah. It's been 10 years since 9/11. I mean, yeah, I could just post my story here and call it good, since that seems to be what everyone else is doing. And I mean, that's pretty big. I was in class when we first heard of the towers being hit, specifically.... somethings like printing? Anyway, the teacher for that was a hard ass on the best of days, and told us to just continue working throughout. That was that. The next class was band with Reynolds, and he took us to the library to watch the TVs for the hour. The rest of the day was pretty dour.

At the time, I know I commented as such that this was the beginning of World War III. Personally, I'm glad that hasn't happened! Yet, anyway.

So with that out of the way, I figured that a better way to spend today would be reflecting on exactly where we are after 10 years. I mean, it's tragic, yeah, and the fact that it happened should never be forgotten, nor should the people who risked their life to help as many people as they possibly could.

That said, in my reflection, it's a little depressing just how applicable the picture at the top of this post is.

Now, that photo (if you're too lazy to click the link to the article) was taken not terribly long after the incident, as you notice from the smoldering pile of the then-fresh wreckage. But unlike every other photo from the time, people aren't rushing in. They aren't standing around in awe. They aren't praying to flags or saluting or anything. They're sitting around, shooting the shit. It's like the disaster is the furthest thing from their mind. They're complacent to it already.

The article I cited said that this picture serves as "...an allegory of America's failure to learn any deep lessons from that tragic day, to change or reform as a nation: "The young people in Mr Hoepker's photo aren't necessarily callous. They're just American."" Honestly, I can't disagree.

I mean, just look at 9/11. There are a lot of potential lessons we could have taken away from that most fateful day. Instead of contemplating, perhaps changing, we rushed into Afghanistan after the terrorists who did it. Which is great, but it's also one of the reasons we were hit. Then, to compound matters, we went into Iraq based on faulty evidence that should have been triple checked, and we made things even worse by forcing democracy on a nation completely unprepared for it. We continue to support Israel, which isn't the best nation in the Middle East, but it's also far from innocent in it's own matters.

Socially, the last decade saw the rise of a cancerous McCarthy-esque Libertarian-lite group of the Republican party more coloquially known as the "Tea Party". Corporations are seen as people, and they've ensured that enough of their money is flowing through congress that everyone is either corrupt or powerless. As a nation, we picked up more than a little bit of xenophobia and Islamophobia from the attacks, which has been used by the aforementioned tea party along with dangerously violent rhetoric to foment a political scene that seems more to me like Congress pre-Civil War than anything that should exist now.

No one trusts: Scientists, Professors, Teachers, Experts, Reporters, Analysts, Common Knowledge
Everyone listens to: Pundits: Liberal, Conservative, Hate-mongering far-right

People are more willing to return to the gilded age than reform an institution that's been broken (Unions).

Honestly, the terrorists haven't killed us. But they put us into a decline. We can still pull out of it, but man. It's really, really hard to say they haven't won when the past decade is taken into account.

America: We've got a lot of problems, we can fix them, but a lot of people just don't give a fuck.

Guess that photo's more accurate than I really did want to consider, huh.

Some news and a movie

So I think I'll do something slightly more substantive tomorrow, but I should probably post something today anyway. So.

1. I've got a couple more things starting up. Specifically, a series about Gundam that'll begin soon and end exactly when I want it to. Second, I'll be starting the second book of Fire and Ice soon, so we'll be going back to Westeros. Yay.
2. Google "Deus Ex Visor". Go ahead, do it, I'll wait. Did you do it yet? Cool. Check out the third result. I know right? Too bad it's not a more common search string.
3. ???
4. There is no profit here. None. Ever.

You know what's cool?

Gundam Wing is on YouTube. GUESS I KNOW WHAT I'M WATCHING IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

Orson Scott Card is a terrible person and writer

In that order.

So I'm going to preface this by saying that I loved Ender's Game a lot. A lot a lot. I first read it back in elementary school, and the novel managed to grab my attention and imagination almost as much as Gundam has. I used to re-read it yearly. I've done numerous book reports and essays on the thing. I damn near had it memorized at one point. So I really hope you understand exactly how much had to happen for me to swear the book off.

I did a few years ago, notably around the time the game Shadow Complex was getting a lot of hype. The sequel's to Ender's Game were both fairly forgettable novels, to the point that I wasn't too curious about the rest of Card's output. I still considered myself a fan, though it was more of a lapsed nerddom. That was when I heard about his Empire Duet stories and some of his.... Extracurricular activities. Now, those two things were both enough to get me to swear off Ender's Game. The Empire novels are about a liberal uprising that takes control of the United States through military exertion and then proceeds to hold the nation through a dictatorship.

Anyone with a working frontal lobe can understand why that's a very "Wat." reaction. Subsequently, because Shadow Complex is set in between the novels, I have not (and will not) play it, despite the fact that it's supposed to be very good.

And when not writing, Orson Scott Card is an outspoken Mormon (ew) who happens to be on the board for the National Organization for Marriage and is fairly outspoken in his stance against homosexuality and his want to return to pre-1960's.

Again, working frontal lobe, terrible thing, et cetera and so forth.

So I guess I'm not terribly surprised, per se, that Mr. Card proved himself to be a terrible person again in a new book. But I honestly never would have attributed him as a terrible author.

That new book is, well, not all that new at all. It turns out that Card recently penned an adaptation of Hamlet (Yes, that Hamlet), released as Hamlet's Father. I highly suggest you read that link, by the by. It's for the review that I heard about this from, and I'm going to pull liberally from it.

So right, let's ignore for a moment the fact that Card continues to be a reprehensible person (though it's arguably a greater sin). Here's the changes that Card has decided to make to Hamlet, a play about an incredibly torn prince who needs to do something, but can never decide if it's quite the right thing/time/whatever and so struggles with something that he knows must happen for all five acts.

In this adaptation, Hamlet was never close to his father. The prince is unfazed and emotionally indifferent to the old king's death, feels no sense of betrayal when his mother speedily remarries, and thinks that Claudius will make a perfectly good monarch. Hamlet is also secure in his religious faith, with absolute and unshakable beliefs about the nature of death and the afterlife. He isn't particularly hung up on Ophelia, either.

 So, in perhaps the greatest single instance of Missing The Point I have ever seen, Orson Scott Card has more or less removed everything that makes Hamlet interesting. Gone is the prince that philosophizes on life and action, on death and inaction. Gone is any semblance of sense to the plot. Gone is the artistry with which the Bard did make us empathize with a murderer. Now, this would be bad enough, but Orson decided he needed to take it a step further.

He made Hamlet's Father, the title character of this revision and the entire reason the story happens, a gay child molester. Now, this, in turn, made Horatio, Laertes, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern all gay, because the Old King molested all of them. On top of that, Hamlet's Papa was inadequate at his job anyway (because he was gay), which is another reason that Hamlet doesn't miss him at all.

I just. What. I mean, really. What? In whose deranged mind is it ok to write things like this? It would be bad enough if all he had done was make Hamlet all wishy-washy. That would still rate this as a terrible adaptation unworthy of the very pulp it's printed on. But then to shoe horn in your own anti-homosexual agenda?

Orson Scott Card, you are a veritable waste of a person, and never have I been more ashamed to have once liked a book.

Desert Island 10: Gundam vs Zeta Gundam

Let's say I wind up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean somewhere. Say some all powerful imp did this to me. And he let me keep ten games for the rest of my miserable life. These are those ten games.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs Zeta Gundam - Bandai, 2004-2005

The Basics

This is one of the weirdest titles on my list, if only for one reason: It's probably the only licensed game on my list. Now, licensing games by and large leads to giant piles of crap shoved onto silicon chips (See also: Nearly every X-Men games made, all of LJN's output). This game.... Doesn't necessarily buck that trend. But it's also nowhere near as bad.

So, at it's core, the Gundam vs. series is a two on two action game, with the player(s) choosing Mobile Suits to fight it out with. These suits all have different abilities, weapons, and stats that all draw from their canon, and then the players shoot each other and slash at each other and blow everything up. It's cool.

The main objective during these fights is to drain your enemies' resource bar, which you do by killing your opponents. However, dying isn't necessarily the end, because you will respawn so long as there's some of your resource bar remaining. Each suit has a different value associated with the bar, so the better your suit is, the more you'll drain. So, for example, let's say you're pitting a team of Balls against a pair of Zeta Gundams. Now, in any ordinary game, the Balls are going to lose, and that's probably going to happen here. However! Balls are only worth 1000 resource points each, whereas Zeta Gundams are worth 3000. Since the resource bar has 9000 (or so) base points, the team of Balls can lose a total of nine lives, whereas the team of Zetas can only lose three. Mind you, because of how terrible Balls are, the Balls are still going to lose, but at least there's some semblance of balancing attempted.

If it were just this aspect, I'd probably still be choosing it, warts and all. The controls are really clunky, the areas extremely plain and boring, and the difficulty wildly vacillates between entirely too hard and way too easy. That said, there's one more reason why I'm including it.

Why It's Here


Ok, I lied, there are two reasons why I'm including it. First, there's a special single player mode included on the home version of the game, and it's one of the best modes of play in anything ever compiled by man. That would be the Universal Century Mode. While this doesn't change the basic gameplay at all, it gives the player scenarios based on both the Mobile Suit Gundam and Zeta Gundam series. Every major pilot has a storyline that you play through, with mobile suits being acquired at the same pace that they acquire them (So Quattro Bajeena starts off with a Red Rick Dias and eventually picks up the Hyaku Shiki), and the you have to play through from start to finish.

That alone is cool, but not really revolutionary. Especially for certain pilots, who end up dying during the series' (Mind you, this is most of them. Tomino has a reputation for a reason.) So, to alleviate this, playing through certain missions especially well (such as by surviving a pilot's canonical death battle or not killing certain other pilots during their death battles) will unlock alternate routes to take, which in turn lead to alternate ends to the timeline. Sure, the AEUG forces ultimately end up killing off the Titans near the end of Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam, but their forces are drained and the first Neo Zeon army is in place for an immediate grab for power against the weakened AEUG and Federation forces (This is where ZZ Gundam happens).

However, by playing well, you can find ways to defeat AEUG/Titan forces earlier on in the series, which allows the remaining faction to fight solely against the Neo Zeon movement, leading to better endings for everyone involved. Ultiamtely, it's a fascinating thing to do with a licensed game. It pays the required amount of respect to the original source material by presenting that as the clearly canonical way to play through the game. Then, it offers the player a way to subvert that, and to find a different ending that's better for those involved while not overwriting the canonical materials. In other words, it's a way more respectful treatment of the series than, say, the Zeta Gundam movies, which is a rant for another day.

A day that is approaching, I promise you.

The second reason that this game in particular is coming along on my desert island vacation is because I love Gundam that much. I was not kidding when I said the other day that Mobile Suit Gundam: EXTREME Vs is my most awaited game of the year. That is because I fucking love Mobile Suit Gundam in (most) of its forms. Mobile Suit Gundam Wing is the series that got me officially into anime, and so the metaseries as a whole has always been something that has interested me. I like it when it takes on the pseudo-realistic take on war through the eyes of someone who isn't necessarily at the top. I like it when the giant robots punch and shoot and stab each other. I like it when the over zealous drama ends up taking over at times. I just like Gundam and all it's eccentricities and warts. I don't think I'll ever stop being a Gundam fan, regardless of how many shitty series and movies it puts out.

And honestly, I don't really need much more of a reason. This lets me play with suits from three of my favorite series from the franchise. It could be a shitty cover based first person shooter for all I care. I love it, and there's no reason not to love it.

The List

Why haven't I thought of this before? I mean besides the fact that it's a monthly one shot that can only handle for one day.

Everyone has a List. Now, that List's contents depend pretty heavily on the person. Some people's Lists are inhabited by sports events. Some by coupon advertisements that they need to butcher. Yet other people have Lists dedicated entirely to how pretty their cats are.

I mean, I assume, I don't pretend to know what everyone's Lists is.

Basically, a List is what you currently have on your plate as far as hobbies go. Some people have a few, some have one, some have.... Well, less than one and more than zero. Hobbies are weird that way. So the idea with this post is a way to formulate my thoughts, especially with regards to my major List. That List would be stuff I'm playing at the moment. This way I can know what I'm playing, why I'm playing, and what I should focus on. Good times!

(Plus it may or may not give me an easy blog entry while I'm working through my general malaise. Much easier to write when you're not contending with depression, after all.)

So yes. The List.

• Alpha Protocol
• Playthrough...... Three? Four? I do not know. Probably a shotgun asshole run though.
• Dead Rising 2 
• First successful playthrough, possibly a bit more. It's actually really fun, I just kind of shuffled it down the list.
• Dead Space 2  
• Noticing a lot of twos. Second playthrough, focusing on guns that aren't the plasma cutter.
• Demon's Souls 
• First playthrough. I just need to actually sit down and learn this one though.
• Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2 
• Yet more 2. Something something continue running through the game oh help me god help me.
• Fallout: New Vegas
• Hardcore mode playthrough. Samurai of the wastes maybe. Maybe.
• GOD HAND 
• Because fuck you, GOD HAND.
• Mass Effect 2  
• Again with the 2. Insane Renegade Soldier playthrough. To those who haven't played ME2, that sounds really bad.
• Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs Zeta Gundam  
• Build up for importing Mobile Suit Gundam EXTREME Vs. I don't think I've ever been more excited for something. I may need to rethink som priorities. I also really hate that they got Linkin Park to make the theme song for this game. I also also highly suggest actually watching that video, especially if you like giant robots kicking stuff. I know at least 1.5 of my readers do.
• MS Saga 
• Finish playthrough. Shame it's such a blah RPG.

An observant viewer will notice a lack of Deus Ex on that list. That is because I beat it. And quite frankly, if Portal 2 hadn't been perfect in every way, and if Gundam EXTREME Vs wasn't going to be coming out this year, AND if the bosses hadn't been such utter shit, I would likely have crowned this my game of the year.

As is, it'll have to do with the third or fourth place on that list. So tragic, I know.

And on a completely unrelated note, I love the hell out of Blogger's new blogging interface. It's wonderfully minimalistic, while everything I need is pretty clearly indicated. Seriously wonderful.

And I was completely serious about watching the Gundam trailer. It is now on my required viewing list.

Deus Ex Human Revolution: Three Hours In

So I started Deus Ex: Human Revolution last night, and played a bit more today because I am still unemployed and I was waiting for laundry to finish, and I had this feeling that I couldn't place. It was good! Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

And I just now placed it.

It reminded me of playing the first Deus Ex.

This is meant in the best way possible. It's not as good, and I do have some qualms with some of what the game does. The cover mechanic is really finicky, and without upgrades I have trouble telling what enemies are doing, et cetera. But this is minor.

I was reminded of playing the opening areas of Deus Ex, one of the most beloved games of all time.

I love the leveling mechanics, and hope for something as deep in ME3. I love the inventory screen, and wish that it was everything that Bioshock had and something that Bioshock Infinite will have. I love the return to the cyberpunk future, and the depiction of a world that William Gibson would have written, that this is the world that Neuromancer would happen in, and that it's just far enough in the future to be futuristic but not yet so far as to be unrecognizable. (On a related note, I hate that cyberpunk as a genre hasn't really had serious book that i'm aware of since the 80's. Way to be asleep at the wheel.) I love that green isn't the color used to hint at technology and future, but that yellow is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love the hell out of Deus Ex: Human Revolution. It's fun.

Also, the stuff offered in this post in this post is still for sale. Please to be buying, kthx! Prices are all negotiable. I just want to offload stuff/make some monies.

On Blogger

So I've had this blog for a little over two months at this point, rather erratic posting schedule aside, so I think I'm slowly getting used to this blogger thing. Enough thatbi think I can go into my feelings with regards to it as a blogging software anyway.

And honestly, truly honestly?

I wish I didn't have to use it.

It sounds bad, I know. But author, I can hear you thinking to yourself, why then do you subject yourself to something you don't like?

Because shut up I reply, rather testy that you would dare to break into my thought process with your incredibly rude question.

After a bit of a cool off period on my end, because frankly such an outburst is, well, maybe not unwarranted, but rather rude, and I'm a better host than that, so I suppose I should offer slightly more than that. On the whole, then, Blogger is a halfway decent blogging software. If you don't want to bother with much HTML (And who does?), then it'll do pretty much all the heavy lifting for you.

There are some downsides though. For example, whenever I copy/paste a line of whatever using my Mac, it decides to bring in some weird code that completely screws up the formatting. For example, look at my sales post I made yesterday. See those blue backgrounds behind the words?

I didn't code that specially to make those stand out. I only left it in because I liked the way it looked. Honestly, the code for that entry is ugly as hell. So's the code for the Super Metroid entry too.

Beyond that though, without a lot of work, the actual blog does not look good. Mine, visually, is passable, and that's by and large because I made a lot of work using the template editor, and I have been entirely too lazy to go in and edit the actual HTML. One of these days.

But yeah. I wouldn't really suggest it if you want a lot of control over your blogging. I'm not going to continue using whenever I get around to finding out how I can purchase www.scanvisor.com I'm going to go ahead and switch to WordPress. For the time being though?

That'll do Blogger, that'll do.

In Which I Try to Sell Some Possessions

Hey folks! I've found myself in a bit of trouble financially speaking, and while it's not incredibly dire, I'm not exactly wanting to mooch off my parents more than I already have. So while I'm still in the process of sending out numerous applications, I figured I'd sell off some of my possessions to help ease some of my bills for a short while.

Very short while. But anyway!

Each of the games have been cared for excellently, and the two board games haven't been played very much at all. They're both excellent games, I just don't really have a gaming group anymore, and I don't really like them enough to keep them on.

If this seems like a cop-out post, it probably is. Whoops!

Gamecube
Tales of Symphonia - $15 (No instruction manual)

Nintendo DS
The Dark Spire - $20 (Case and game only)
Dragon Quest IX - $20
Golden Sun DS - $20
Contact - $15

Wii
Guilty Gear XX Accent Core - $20

Playstation 3
Bioshock 2 - $25 (Some slight sticker residue on the case)
Red Dead Redemption* - $25
Dragon Age Origins* - $25
LA Noire* - $25

X-Box 360
Marvel vs Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds - $25

* contains all the DLC that came included with the games, none of which has been redeemed.

Board Games
Pandemic - $35
Letters from White Chapel - $35


I know some of the people on my Facebooks, and if you see this, I can all but promise that you will like those two games. They are excellent examples of modern board gaming, and loads of fun for the right person. So right, if you want any of these items, shoot an e-mail to NuZGundam.Eric[at]Gmail.com and we can hash out a deal.


Thanks!

Desert Island 10: Super Metroid

Let's say I wind up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean somewhere. Say some all powerful imp did this to me. And he let me keep ten games for the rest of my miserable life. These are those ten games.

Super Metroid - Nintendo R&D1, 1994

The Basics


Dude, it's Super Metroid.

No, really, Super Metroid.

But then just saying that isn't really all that explanatory if you, say, are completely ignorant of just how awesome Super Metroid is. And if that's the case, perhaps a history lesson on the origin of Super Metroid would be useful.

The original Metroid was a title on the original NES, one of the original silver box games on the system. It was a sci-fi exploratory game, where the protagonist Samus Aran was presented with a planet. The player is first introduced to the game by being brought down an elevator to a landing, and presented with a flat hallway. There are two ways to go, right and left. Where do you go?

Now, if you know anything, you have to head left to get the first power up, the Morph Ball, which will let you explore more later. That kind of thinking at the time, though, was anathema at the time. Players were used to games more like Mario, where the only goal was to go to the right as fast as possible without dying. However, the player in Metroid is eventually presented with a differently colored door that their blaster cannot open. Now, if the player is thinking logically, they know that they have nowhere else to go but left. And so they're introduced to Metroid. It's not a fast, twitch based game like Mario. It's a slow game. It's meant to be more explored and memorized than just run through. And honestly, the first (and second) game aren't very good. But they are important milestones. Suddenly, games weren't monodirectional. Suddenly developers had more space to play with.

Super Metroid is Metroid. Literally, even. The entire map of Brinstar is reproduced in Super Metroid, along with an additional area. There are more, bigger bosses, and Samus is given more and better weaponry to fight them with. What's more, the addition of Samus' walljump and the use of her equipment (notably the speed booster) as aids for exploration rather than combat emphasize the role of exploration. Super Metroid is all about finding a path through Brinstar, not necessarily about blowing everything up.

Why It's Here

IT'S SUPER METROID.

But fine, that's not a compelling argument. So I'll just say this then:

It is one of, if not the best, designed games of all time. And if not that, then it's certainly the best designed map based around it's main characters' skillset of all time. See also: One of the best of all time.

The trick with a Metroidvania is creating a good, cohesive map with a lot of secrets that isn't too big, too small, too full of enemies, or too barren. The problem with a lot of the later Castlevanias (AKA Igavanias) is that they all fall prey to one of these follies. Symphony of the Night is absolutely massive, and is really great for about half the game, but the reverse castle is a ridiculously boring expanse that has nothing in it, and by the time you get to it you are completely invulnerable to all but the most dangerous boss. Circle of the Moon is actually surprisingly small, and Order of Ecclesia somehow hits all of these problems at the same time.
Super Metroid, conveniently, does not have this problem. In fact, it's got the perfect carrot-on-a-stick system set up. No room takes more than ten minutes to traverse, and each area is diverse with just enough enemies to give the player some challenge while moving through. As the player moves on, they constantly find new pieces of equipment to make exploration easier and open up new areas. So the player is always seeing something new and awesome.

But here's the thing, any game can do this. The way this is described makes it seem as linear as a Mario game. And that could definitely be said of the original Metroid and its first sequel. Super Metroid isn't like that at all, all thanks to one move: The Walljump. While it's never mentioned officially in the game (the most explanation the player receives for it is in a really evil wall, where you have to watch tiny monkey things pull off the move). The Walljump requires no special equipment. It can be done literally anywhere. And it's the most important move Samus has.

Using it allows her to sequence break, to skip certain power-ups and bosses that are normally in the sequence. This is done to add to the challenge, to get faster times, whatever. It's also been key to Super Metroid's longevity.  My first playthrough of the game took me about 10 hours, because I was taking my time/got lost/couldn't find my way.

Compare, then, to the fastest time in the Speed Demo Archives: 32 minutes. Now, that's a half hour that doesn't make use of (too many) glitches. There is constant improvement.

And honestly, that's why it makes the list. Sure, it's one of the best designed games of all time, but then so is Alien vs Predator (Arcade), at least with regards to side-scrolling beat 'em ups. But there is constant room for improvement, and I'm more than willing to try for it with a short game such as this. Who knows, maybe I too could get my time under a half hour.

Assuming unlimited free time.

On a beach.

With unlimited power.

And a good TV for it.

And my not getting bored.


It's Super Metroid.

A Vacation in Westeros: End of Book 1, Part 2

Previous part right here.

So right, as a quick recap, I like most of the Starks! But wait, there's more!

Bran Stark


Right, so, remember when I said not much happened with Arya? Even less happened to Bran. His chapters were by and large dedicated to history and establishing the world as a larger place. He also picked up a trusty carrier (Hodor) and a wilding who is rather superstitious. Also there are implications that MAGIC is a real thing, and it's not like Bran can do anything else. Perhaps he will be a MAGIC man. Probably not.

Also, while I complained about Sansa as a stupid young girl, I could really levy the same complaints against Bran as being a boring, singular character with one note. That said, he actually has a reason to complain (Kid lost control of his legs in a tragic accident he doesn't remember), there were other characters doing things around him all the time (Robb at first, then his younger brother Rickon), they weren't taken up with long examples of how the Lannisters are terrible (Seriously, we get it, they suck), and his chapters were shorter on average. So right, not the best, but pretty far from bad.

Jon Snow


After Ghost found the corpses of the now ex-rangers, they brought them back to the Wall for examination, which proved to be a grave mis-error. They are not corpses, not now. They are Wights. Or Zombies. Or whatthefuckever. Jon gets in a fight with them in order to save the commander. The commander, pleased that he wasn't dead, gives Jon a bastard sword (GET IT). After trying to join his family, he is dragged back by his friends, and then learns that he will set out beyond the wall for MASSIVE ADVENTURE.

Of all the POV characters, Jon is probably the most stereotypical one. He's a young boy, disillusioned with his current lot in life, who goes off to a dangerous and unknown location for MASSIVE ADVENTURE and self-discovery. It's all quite charming. And it's not badly written. But it's also not terribly original. Plus it, like Dany's stuff, seems separated from pretty much everything else. It's supposed to, mind you, so that it can set up a different threat that faces the Westeros countries. In this case, it's the Wights, and other mystical enemies. They're perfectly serviceable chapters, and they will accumulate for future books, I'm. Aside from the heroes' story though, it's pretty boring.

Tyrion Lannister


After surviving his time in the Aerie, Tyrion and Bronn pick up some brigands in the path back to Westeros proper and joins up with Tywin Lannister's army. Shagga threatens to chop off the manhood of many a Westerosan, and Tyrion survives his first major battle. At the end, he is told to go to Casterly Rock to maintain control over Joffrey.

Tyrion was an absolute joy to read. Snarky, world traveling adventures probably made him my favorite character of all. I cannot complain, and I cannot suggest his chapters more highly. They're that strong, and I have nothing else to say on him.

So I want to take this time to discuss the Lannisters, specifically the power they currently weild. Tywin's got a massive army, and is one of the most renowned commanders in the world, plus he's apparently a tactical genius. His grandson, Joffrey Lannister, sits on the Iron Throne of Westeros, where more men can be rustled up, and is the king, which is nothing to sneeze at. Basically, Lannisters control all the meaningful sources of power.

And yet, I would argue that the Lannisters are in the worst position at the end of the book. Jaime Lannister, the kingslayer, is currently held by the Starks, who will not give him up ever. While Joffrey sits on the throne, Robert Baratheon's younger brother has made a claim at the throne, whilst his other brother is off doing something secretive. The Northern kingdoms have all seceded at this point, leaving the Lannisters that much poorer. Plus Tywin's army faces two other forces, which may not be equal, but still aren't good. Joffrey himself is a rather insane king, and so will not have the people's support should push come to shove. And, if that weren't enough, the Lannister homestead has all of its supply routes blocked by other, enemy provinces. AND, in addition to all of that, Dany Targaryen has decided that maybe she should take back Westeros. Basically, everything that could go wrong for the Lannisters has. Not even the Starks are all that bad off, and they lost their patriarch.

Dany Targaryen


Kahl Drogo died! So Dany brought him back! Only he was in a persistant vegetative state, so his khalriders left him. Then, on his burial pyre, Dany hatched three dragons. Because why not!

Everything I said about Jon applies to Dany as well. She exists in these early chapters to establish a threat. Only instead of something else being the threat established, her chapters establish herself as the greatest thing to happen. The dragons are back, and they're going to hit Westeros with the power of a sledgehammer.

Oh, and it was nice watching Dany find her own self-worth away from her stupidly abusive brother. Sometimes authors do let us have nice things!

Overall


I think I can pretty safely say that A Game of Thrones is not for everyone. For one, it's a fairly depressing book. While each of the characters has their own individual victories, the overall tone is a downward trend for the nation as a whole. What's more, a lot of time is taken up showing the machinations and innerworkings of the upper classes. I like it! And there are fantasy trappings, especially in Jon's chapters. And likeable characters.

But this is very much a book for fantasy lovers. What's more, it's a book for a specific subset of fantasy lovers. Everyone should try it out, but not everyone will like it. Honestly, I ate this up. I look forward to reading the later books, and especially trying to get my hands on the HBO series somehow. That would be interesting to see. So until next time, Westerosans! Same Scan Visor place, same Scan Visor time!

A Vacation in Westeros: End of Book 1, Part 1

Whoops, let my birthday vacation go on a bit too long. My bad! Here's the conclusion to Book 1 of the Song of Fire and Ice: The Book: The Summarizing Blog Posts: The Game.

Day 3, Day 12, Day 18, and Day 24.

And rather than do what I've done previously, now that I'm done, I'll sum up what was left of each individual character's stories and my thoughts with regards to that character.

Will


What, you don't remember Will? It's ok, neither did I! He's the poor sop who got his life choked short by the first appearance of the Wights waaaaaaaay back in the prologue. Dude was cool though. I like rogue-y characters. I'll miss him.

Eddard Stark


Arguably the protagonist of this book, Eddard had things pretty bad by the end of it. And by pretty I mean probably worse than all except one of the POV characters. After Eddard was captured, his role as a player was pretty much over. Sure, he (theoretically) still had some power, but he was shoved in a dark, dark dungeon with no visitors and no other contact. Varys came down and offered to save him, and Cersei seemed to be offering the same deal. Fat lot of good that did though. After Eddard falsely admitted to committing treason, Joffrey decided that this was a great time to use his brain and had Papa Stark put to the sword. Stark's own sword, even. So Eddard ends A Game of Thrones lost his body, got covered with tar, and stuck on a spike.

Honestly though? I'm kind of glad. I loved Eddard as a character, and I think one could make a fairly good argument that he's the most fully realized of the bunch. However, were he still alive, he'd become a huge focal point of other characters. He would easily take control of the Night Watch had he taken the Black, and thus he'd be smart enough to establish a good defense against whatever is out there or to attack with his forces Lannister lands. Had he decided to return to Winterfell instead and take up the sword against the Lannister, he'd become the unargued leader of the northern forces, and he'd probably be able to get the support of most of the great houses. Him being alive would be too easy for any meaningful conflict. At least until Dany arrived. Still, I never not enjoyed an Eddard chapter, even to the end.

Catelyn Stark


After losing Tyrion, Catelyn joined her son Robb with the great Northern armies and acted as his consul without being too overpowering, so the rest of her book is spent playing the diplomat. She proves invaluable in getting permission for the army to cross over into the Southron lands behind Tywin Lannister, where they were then able to capture Jaime Lannister and smash his army by Riverrun. This proves to be one of the most important victories of the book, as it demoralizes the remains of the Lannister forces and grants credence to Robb's claim to power. She is the only POV character present for Robb's acceptance of the King of the North title.

Remember when I said I loved politics way back when? Yeah. Catelyn chapters were like cake to me. Delicious, delicious cake. Aside from Tyrion (whose chapters were even better), no other character politics as much or as effectively as she does. Plus, she got to travel around to some places that we wouldn't have had excuses to see otherwise, such as the Aerie. Sure, it's out of the way, but we also got to see what happened to the previous Hand's remaining family (Craaaaaazy pants are now worn exclusively there), and we got some fun world building (a castle built so high up that their cells don't require walls? Amazing.) Catelyn's chapters are full of some of the best reasons to love Fantasy literature. Full stop.

Arya Stark


Arya managed to escape the Purge of the Starks from the seat of the king, but not get out of the city. She sees her dad killed, and nearly flips her shit, until one of the Night Watch saves her life by giving her a haircut.

Arya's story.... Ok, of the Stark siblings I may have liked hers the best, but it's really boring. From the moment she names her direwolf (Nymeria, the name of a warrior queen, as we are told that very sentence), it's pretty clear exactly where she will end up. Sure, it's cool we see her training. Sure, her teacher was really, really cool. But nothing really interesting was done with her. In fact, the one time Martin bothered to wrap her up in the big plot, he then summarily dropped it for all other mentions of her. She could go on to do awesome stuff in future books though. The path has been laid to lead to her being an avenger upon the Lannisters. I fully look forward to when she dances her saber through their skulls.

Sansa Stark


I hate Sansa. She hung out during the Purge of the Starks, kept safe by Cersei to use as a bargaining chip. Then she tries to get her family to not fight against the Lannisters. Then she realizes her folly as Joffrey shows his true colors and acts like a royal rapist.

Sansa's all about the loss of innocence. The problem with that, though, is that she doesn't lose her innocence until her last chapter. Beyond that, though? She ignores what's clear and obvious in front of her in exchange for her romantic ideals about how court life is. She doesn't play the game, she is only ever a pawn. And when Joffrey, the only real "winner" of the book claims his prize? She suddenly realizes she's been played. I hated reading each and every one of her chapters, and I couldn't even relish when bad things happened to her because she was just a naive kid rather than an idiot. I dunno, I'm not sure if Martin really wanted anything more with her. If he did, he sure as shit failed.

So right, this has gotten a bit long, hasn't it. Conclusion to be posted tomorrow, I suppose.

Too flustered to write

So you all get the joys of YouTube!

Oh hey, and I'm going to be gone for the next week, and because posting will be sporadic:

BAM. When it's my birthday, I gift the masses. All 10 of you.

You're welcome.

Games No One Care About: Dynasty Warriors Gundam 3

Dynasty Warriors Gundam 3 - 2011, Koei/Bandai


Dynasty Warriors is a really, really weird franchise. It's a spin off of the all but dead Romance of the Three Kingdoms series, a grouping of games that are fairly intense simulations based on the novels about Chinese history. Basically, it's not exactly the kind of thing that most people are terribly interested in. Whereas RoTK depends on numbers to show armies and changing powers, Dynasty Warriors is much more straightforward. You play the generals, and you beat the dudes. All the dudes.

This formula's generic enough that it can apply to a lot of different properties, luckily, which in turn gives us this particular series, Dynasty Warriors Gundam. Whereas classic DW relies on big burly men with swords, DWG obviously relies on big robotic mecha with guns and beam swords. The basic goals are the same (Beat up a bunch of guys on battlefields to claim fields, fight harder General-level characters and try not to die), but the game feels different. It's a much faster and more mobile experience, with the mobile suits having access to a quickly recharging dash meter, including flying. Additionally, the ranged attacks are stronger, which makes fighting from a distance more of a viable strategy. Same game, different name, different rules. As far as DW games go, DWG3 is aces.

For a DWG game, though, I'm not exactly sure what I think of it. The series featured have expanded since the second game, including such recent luminaries as 00 (Kind of sucked), SEED Destiny (My god how bad), and Unicorn (Have not seen, but it's UC, so that's cool), as well as Stardust Memories. Additionaly, series that were already here have gained at least a suit in representation, such as the three additional suits from Wing (Tallgeese II, Deathscythe Hell, Heavyarms Kai; all three are arguably the worst suits in the game in the beginning).

That said, there are still some holes that kind of annoy me. For example, where the hell is the War in the Pocket love? I like the Alex Gundam. I'd love a Kaempfer. Or what about more from Stardust Memories, rather than just the GP-01 and -02? I want the Stamen and Gerbera Tetra, dammit. And why'd they take away the Re-GZ? I know it was mass produced, but I liked it.

There were some other areas that were done better in previous games as well. Level design, for example. Each of the levels in this game are fairly generic and all feel like a series of connected boxy rooms. This wasn't the case at all in 2, where each level was huge, and each room (while essentially being a giant box) felt more natural and looked better. It's like the developers decided that to make the maps go faster, everything had to be smaller and less impressive. This does have the advantage of leading to a shorter game. I clocked 100% at about 80 some hours, whereas I don't think I've ever finished 2.

All in all, it's a gorgeous game, but it's one that I can't really suggest unless you like the franchise or the series. Ideally you'd be like me and like both. Ideally.

Vacation in Westeros: Day 24

Hey-o, what do you know.

Day 3, Day 12, Day 18.

What's Happened So Far

• Jon's still chilling up north with his peeps, except now he's graduated and is an actual member of the Night Watch. No more women for him! Not that he ever had any. Unfortunately, he was denied Ranger-ship, thus clearly not being one of the primary protagonists. Tragical. On the other hand, his direwolf found a human hand! What could that mean. (By the by, Winter is still coming.)
• Tyrion managed to eek his way out of dying by Catelyn's crazy sister through the quick application of his new sellsword Bronn. Gets all your heavy knight problems out. Plus he'll have picked up a tribe of wildmen once he's returned to home. Huzzah!
• Dany's brother finally pushed the horseriders too far, and they gave him a crown at long last. Unfortunately, said crown was still rather molten. And happened to burn his face off. And then there was just the one Targaryen left, the last of the dragons. Well, that and her baby.
• And as always, all the fun stuff happened down south. Robert went off on a hunting trip, leaving rule of the kingdom to an injured Ned. While he's working on getting his daughters out of dodge, he's also got another rather important problem: The Lannisters. The only audience we see him hold has us learning that one of the Lannister's most infamous knights is running a marauding party and destroying towns and villages. Additionally, Ned finally found out that this particular branch of the Lannister tree is less a brance and more a straight line, if you catch my drift. He confronts Cersei, the queen, with this newfound knowledge, only to be laughed at. This doesn't bode well, but then Ned's more honorable than smart at this point. Robert then returns from his hunting trip, gored by a boar, and his final act as king is to grant Ned regency, until his son/heir can actually attain the office. Ned, ever the honorable idiot, does absolutely nothing while the Lannister plot finally snaps shut around him. When Robert Baratheon, King of Westeros, dies, Cersei places young Joffrey on the throne, herself as regent, and attempts to force Ned's fealty in exchange for his life. Ned refuses, believing that the people he trusted were in fact on the up and up, but all of his paid-for men turn on him, his loyal men are slaughtered, and he himself is captured. In a game of thrones, you either win or you die. At this point, Eddard Stark only has one option.

Thoughts

All that politicking has led up to this point, this very point. And I don't even have to be specific with "that", because each of the four points has all had a giant turning point in the near past. It's actually kind of amazing, honestly. Not only is Martin juggling four different stories from eight different viewpoints, bu he's bringing them along at roughly the same point so that they can climax at roughly the same time. Each of the major players (This discounts: Bran, Sansa, Arya) in each of the stories had some sort of major thing happen that will propel them into the future.

For Tyrion and Catelyn, the end of their joined journey is huge. Catelyn has learned that the Arryn house is, for all intents and purposes, dead, and that it can no longer be depended upon. Plus, I'm fairly certain that she trusts Tyrion. Tyrion, on the other hand, now knows about some deeper machinations, and we know that he has motive to strike back at his family for their past sins against him.

 Jon has finally succeeded at the wall, coming to the end of his training. Instead of being a ranger though, he's being groomed for a leadership role. What's more, they found a mystery hand, which may well lead to the missing Stark.

Dany's finally had her last connection to her previous life, and the rest of the Targaryens, cut off completely. Viserys is dead, and now Dany has to decide what she'll end up doing. Now, it's the Song of Ice and Fire. We know what Ice is (Hi there winter, your heralds are, to put it starkly, doing poorly), but what could the Fire part of the equation be. HMMMMM. Protip: Targaryens are closely related to dragons.

Finally, the Lannisters have finally propelled themselves into power, being forever rid of the broken man they called king. Stark has realized this all too late, and his climax will lead to his death, but this bodes poorly for his daughters as well.

Still, four storylines, roughly coinciding with each other. Well played ser, well played.

The king is dead, long live the king.

The Perfect Food Proves It's Even Perfect-er

Pizza is by far the best food ever devised on this spinning rock we call Earth. In fact, if there was one food that would be indicitive of everything good about humanity, it would be pizza. If there was one food that I could eat for the rest of my life and not grow tired of, it would be pizza.

And that's partially why I'm covering this. I mean, Pizza's one of the most versatile foodstuffs in the world, and it's delicious. So when I heard rumors (and potentially heresies) of being able to cook pizza on a grill, well.

Someone had to do something.

So I ignored what many other people have likely done in order to experiment with this first hand. And I am alive and able to report that Pizza does, indeed, grill.

Mind you, this iteration didn't exactly work. This is what I did:

1. Take your crust (for the sake of time and effort, a premade crust was used) and place it on a pre-heated grill. We have a charcoal grill, and we had he fire hot.

2. Wait for a minute and a half to two minutes. Rotate if it gets charred. Do Not Cover.

3. Remove from grill, quickly put on toppings.

4. Return to grill, cover, pray that it doesn't turn out too poorly. Let cook for another minute or two.

5. Remove. Cut. Eat.

All told, it's a bit char-y, but there's the twinklings of a good pizza recipe (as though there's a bad one). I think if I actually make my own dough next time, and were I to coat with olive oil maybe, it'll turn out better.

But yeah. Pizza! On the grill! Whodathunkit.

Something Witty That Would Work The Name Hiaasen In Here

I think that A Simple Plan is Sam Raimi's best movie. Mind you, it's not my favorite, that would be Evil Dead 2. But A Simple Plan is definitely one of his more restrained movies, and it starts off simply enough. Two everyman brothers find a plane crashed in some woods somewhere, and then find a bag of money inside. Deciding that that money would be pretty rad to have, they take it home. It's at this point that Raimi looks at the actors, stares at them for a bit, and just whispers "Go." What follows is a cascading snowball of crap as the primary players consistently make choices on what to do with the money, each one logically following from the last until the situation is entirely unrecognizable from the beginning, but you know how the characters got there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that A Simple Plan is a script writer's wet dream and an excellent fucking movie, but that's also not entirely the point of this post.

I told you the first bit so I could say this with the proper context. I've recently polished off a couple of Carl Hiaasen's books, Skinny Dip and Star Island. Both of them take A Simple Plan's conceit (start with off with some clearly defined characters, throw them into an out of the ordinary situation, say "Go.") The difference being that some of Hiaasen's characters are somewhat larger than life.

For example, take Skink. Now, Skink wasn't always called Sknink, but he was always one not to be corrupted. Unfortunately, Florida is (apparently) an incredibly corrupt place. This drove then governor Skink to abdicate  his post in an incredibly showy way and go and become a hobo with one in the Everglades. He surfaces every now and then to punish corruption and help good people.

Despite this, each of his books follow a fairly logical chain of events. So you get to see each of the choices that the characters have to make, and you understand why they'd choose that (despite said choice normally being the wrong one), and you get the delicious consequences of said choices. And because Hiaasen's got an incredibly dark sense of humor, murther or other dismemberment is often used as the punchline to a joke. Plus he takes an incredibly anti-Corporation, anti-politicican, and pro-enviornmental view. He's pretty clearly a satirical writer, but he tells some incredible yarns.

Plus they're quick reads. I approve.

Why not another one of these?

It's hot. Fuck work.

Senorita say "Caramba!" Now is fiesta time.

HEY!

Vacation in Westeros: Day 18

Day 3 is here, Day 12 is here.

The continuing adventures of royals doing royally stupid things in fantastic adventure land times!

What's Happened So Far:

Now in list format because I made a lot of stupid, glaring errors last time.

• Jon is still up north at the wall, hanging out. Since he pissed off the people in charge last time, he's made friends with the normies. His last chapter saw him making friends with a fat lordling who was kicked out of his rightful hold for not being deemed worthy by his father. Something about being fat and cowardly and not worthy of the family sword. And so Jon Snow's menagerie of black clad misfits (who will likely all die) grew by one.
• Meanwhile, Catelyn concluded her business in the south and headed back to Winterfell, except that she ran into Tyrion on the way up north. He had actually missed the party. She took the opportunity to capture him, and then decided to head to where her sister lords over. They get into scraps with bandits, and Tyrion manages to improve his position considerably over time, to the point where it's questionable if he's yet a prisoner. Cate then goes up to meet with her sister, the widowed wife of the old Hand of the king, who had been assassinated at the beginning of the book. She's a bit crazy pants, and her six year old son is beset with randomm tremors and an attraction to his dolls. Also he still sups from her breast. That... is a broken household.
• Finally, in the South, the Tournament of the Hand is held. Sansa is enthralled with the competition, and especially so with one of the knights, not Joffrey. Meanwhile, Eddard Stark completely ignores the tourney that's been thrown in his favor in order to do a bit more investigating into what the old Hand was doing that got him killed. He finds, in order: A book on the geneology of the major ruling families, a bastard, and the poison that was used to kill his predecessor. Meanwhile, Arya is still training to be a fencer, escapes some ridiculous prince and princess, and learns of the plot to kill Eddard. The king learns that Dany, one of the last of the Targaryens, is pregnant, and so wants to have her killed and the fetus/babe/whatever smashed. Eddard refuses to be part of this game, and turns in his Handship. As he's making his preparations to leave town, Jaime Lannister corners Stark and some of his men, intending to kill Eddard to send a message to Cate with regards to Tyrion. Stark talks some sense into the incestuous knight, who decides that advice is sound (Kill me and she'll kill the Imp), and so decides to kill Stark's men instead. Eddard is injured fairly grievously in the process, and the last we see is him taking the milk of the poppy after passing out and waking up a few times.

 Thoughts

At this point, we're slightly past halfway through the book, and we're just starting to get some details into the plot at large and what's actually being set up. As of yet, we've largely been focused on the ex-Hands' death, with some hints that the Lannisters were behind it all. And while the Lannisters are assholes, and indeed go as high up in the organization as the Queen, that's still a fairly petty dispute between two royal families, one that wants revenge, and one that wants power. It doesn't concern the world at large.

However, thanks to Arya's chapter, we've had some linkage with what's been going on over in Dany's story, because I'm fairly certain that one of the shady figures discussing the "game [of thrones]" and the assassination of Eddard was the wealthy merchant that's so far been a fixture in the Targaryen's chapters. Suddenly, the world isn't so big, and we're beginning to see the workings of a plot that will embroil the whole world, not just Westeros, into war.

Or rather, the world as we know it. There's been hintings at another continent, but whatever. I'll cross that ocean when I get there.

Even more, we've gotten clues into what the old hand was looking into. A king's bastard, who looks just like the king. A book on genealogy, which has a direct link to the ex-Hand. A queen, who's popped out kids who don't really look like their supposed papa. A knight, whose sword gets unsheathed for his sister if you know what I mean (Sex. I mean sex.). We are finally seeing into the seedy underworkings of Westeros and the new king's court. Eddard sure as hell doesn't like what he sees. I doubt anyone else does.

This is how you slowly reveal mysteries and plot hooks. This is a natural progression of a story. Other authors should feel bad that they can't do as well as a fantasy novel.

Because I need to work this trauma out somehow: Transformers 3

I swear I didn't want to post about this. Other, funnier, smarter, and more insightful people have discussed this elsewhere. For example, Topless Robot put up a fairly comprehensive FAQ of the movie that covers the essentials. You can probably get a good feel for the movie there, with one exception.

TR is considerably more positive about the movie than I am.

See, Transformers 3 is proof of something. Whether it's that Michael Bay is a sociopath for thinking that how Sam was acting was at all appropriate, or that Bay does not actually know how to tell a story through the medium of film, or that he heard all the concerns other people had with the other two movies and decided that all the complainers should see what it would look like if Bay shot it how he thought others would.

Basically, I'm fairly certain it exists in a very similar way to Sucker Punch, Zac Snyder's high school notebook doodles turned boring action set pieces. And as bad as Sucker Punch is, Transformers is worse.

The "hero" complains constantly about not having a job. I can empathize with that! However, here are a few caveats. I don't have any giant robot friends. I didn't get a full ride scholarship at the Ivy League courtesy Of the US Government. I also do not currently live with my supermodel-like girlfriend in Washington DC for absolutely nothing. So despite all his good fortunes and current status, which 9/10 college graduates would gladly enjoy, he spends the full first hour complaining that he doesn't matter anymore and he really, really wants to.

Also, that's not an exaggeration. There are some non-sensical action scenes in the very beginning (sand worm in Russia the fuck) but most of the entire cforst half is spent focusng on Sam and his "problems". There's this thing in movies, see. It's called pacing. And when properly paced, the audience will have time to relax between big action scenes thanks to natural lulls in the action. Alternatively, there are mOvies like Crank where the action starts and then does not stop, but it's ok because the movie's only an hour long.

Basically what I'm saying is that YOU DO NOT BLOW UP FUCKING CHICAGO FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WITH SOME OF THE STUPIDEST SETPOEVES ICE EVER SEEN AND CALL THAT GOOD

No. Bad Michael Bay. Do not pass go. Do not collect the umpteen millions this will make.

God, I haven't even gotten into any serious complaints. This could become a way more indepth analysis.

Linkbait post of links and bait

Right, so, I'm feeling lazy, how about some links?

- If one likes reading about movies, I've actually found that Things That Don't Suck is fairly entertaining. He could use a copyeditor, but beyond that he posts some good critiques of movies, generally trending towards older, more obscure flicks.

- The same author also does a blog specifically about horror, The son of Danse Macabre. Mind you, I'm not huge on most horror, but what he's written has been fairly fascinating, and it's always interesting to see people talk about Lovecraft.

- Finally, because I've got a theme going on, that same blogger occasionally appears on both the On The Stick podcast and the Action Cast, podcasts about games and action movies respectively. They can be found at http://onthestick.com/, and they're both basically a bunch of guys sitting around and chatting about some general topic for an hour or two. The results can be somewhat haphazard at best, but I find their various meanderings fascinating to listen to.

Desert Island 10: Final Fantasy Legend II

Let's say I wind up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean somewhere. Say some all powerful imp did this to me. And he let me keep ten games for the rest of my miserable life. These are those ten games.

Final Fantasy Legend II - Square, 1991

The Basics

While technically not a Final Fantasy game at all, Final Fantasy Legend II is still an RPG. That said, rather than a level driven game, like Final Fantasy, FFLII is a SaGa game, which have more "natural" level ups. What this means in game terms is pretty simple to grasp, actually. You get in fights, you choose your attacks/weapons from a menu, and you find out if you won. The trick, however, is that instead of getting a base amount of Experience which will gradually raise all your stats once you accumulate enough, you gain Exp for individual stats, which then eventually level up on their own. For example, attacking with a broad sword will exercise (let's say) strength. Therefore, each individual attack you make adds on a point for Strength, and when enough of these invisible points are gained, you'll get another few points that actually make a difference. All of the stats work like this, including the more passive stuff. You gain more Defense and Hit Points by being hit, Speed by using special weapons, Magic by using Magic or spellbooks, et cetera.

At least, that's how it works for humans and mutants, with the caveat that mutants randomly gain spells. There are also two other classes of character types, the Monsters and Robots. Robots are more straightforward, in that they gain stats based on what they have equipped at that particular time. So equipping a broad sword on a robot would give it gains to strength and maybe HP. Monsters, on the other hand, change by eating other monster's meat that gets left behind after battle. Ideally, the change is random to the player, so they have to decide if eating this meat is beneficial in the long run, or if their current monster is awesome. However, because a twenty year old game isn't going to be doing any truly random acts, there's a complex table that nerds on the internet have typed out that one can use to advance their monsters up to the max rank.

Each non-Monster character has eight slots for equipment, which important because equipment breaks. Each piece has a certain max value, say 50, when you pick it up/buy it. Once you use the equipment that number of times, that weapon breaks and you either need to replace it or find something else to use. The exception to this rule are robots, who can recharge equipment through use of inns. That said, they also half the number of uses that the weapon can be used every time they equip it. So that 50 use item becomes 25, which then becomes 12, then 6, then 3, then 1, then 0. What you end up with is a system which requires you to think on your feet, constantly spend money to keep up with any wear and tear you gain, and a relatively complex leveling scheme where your actions have a huge impact on how your characters turn out.

The plot, on the other hand, is fairly simple. There's a statue out there in the world that, when completed, allows the user to wish for anything. Your protagonists' father (which is human regardless of what you choose your character to be, leading to some awkward situations for Robots or Monsters) goes off in search of them one day, and doesn't return. Later, your protagonist and a few of your friends go off in search  of the statue fragments and your father, figuring that finding one would lead to the other. Along the way, the party meets a crazy mix of characters and rubs against a series of demi-gods taken from classical literature, all of whom are connected to the character's father and the mysterious struggle for the statue. The adventure spans numerous worlds as well, from beautiful (by law) paradises to ancient Edo-style worlds where bananas are illegal imports.

Why's It Here

My first system that I ever owned was a brick-version of the Game Boy, see through style. I love that piece of technology. While I got three games along with it, I didn't exactly buy the thing myself. It was a gift from my parents. I still liked it. Later, I'd go on to buy the first Wario Land, which was a fantastic purchase.

Shortly thereafter though, I managed to somehow find Final Fantasy Legend I, II, and Final Fantasy Adventure. None of these were Final Fantasy per se, instead being SaGa I, II, and Seiken Densetsu (think Secret of Mana) brought over under a more popular title in the States. As much as I loved Metroid II, FFLII just completely blew my mind. It's pretty safe to say that it was the first RPG I ever put a lot of time and effort into playing, and I've played it numerous times. Sometimes with an all Robot party, sometimes all Human, sometimes all Mutant. Every playthrough, so long as you decide to focus on different weapon sets, is completely different. Some of them get up to Venus and no further, some to Odin, and some to the very end of the game. Each party requires a different, constantly changing strategy to deal with enemies.

Let's say I'm playing with an Agility heavy group of Humans. Instead of buying weapons with the highest attack power, as you would in any other RPG, you're better off going with either Whips or Guns. These types of weapons draw directly from the Agility stat, causing damage based on your speed, except that they tend to cost more or have lower usage numbers than their strength based cousins. Hell, even an all Monster party can be interesting, at least when played without the tier guide. After all, that just leaves the player wondering "Is this meat going to help me at all? Can I risk losing the Heal to gain something potentially better?" Suddenly, FFLII has become a game of roulette, where taking risks can either pay off big or end with the player suddenly and irrevocably gimped in the middle of the dungeon. There is no greater rush in an RPG.

Additionally, the music and graphics are top notch, at least for a Game Boy game. Seriously listen to this title track, The Legend Begins. It's a quiet, peaceful track that grows more epic and just hints at the adventure that lays before you, should you choose to press Start. What more can you want an RPG, much less an old Game Boy game?